“Just be yourself. Let people see the real, imperfect, flawed, quirky, weird, beautiful, magical person that you are.”
If I had to pick one thing I’ve struggled with the most in my life, it would be simply being myself / liking myself. I like to fit in. I like to be included. As I’ve grown up, I’ve tried to mold myself to match whoever I happened to be around, in the hopes that they would accept me. Despite my best efforts, I’ve found myself just slightly on the outside. As I approached 30 this year, I was faced with the stark realization that I don’t have a clue who I am. I’ve spent so much of my life wearing a mirror, reflecting everyone else, that I had completely lost myself.
“I am 30 years old…” I thought to myself. “I have no career, no prospects of one and seemingly no ambition or drive. I am backward and shy sometimes, and way too out spoken and rude at other times. I have been mean to people who have hurt me and crazy to people who love me. I suffer with constant exhaustion from eating like a child. I love my children but lack patience, structure and discipline that I definitely should have to be a successful parent. I am a nagging wife, whose single promise to her husband upon quitting my job for full time “mommying” was to cook every night and keep the house clean. Not sure if I’ve even gone a whole day with both of those things accomplished.”
As you can imagine, it was not a good day. When you realize you don’t like the person you are or aren’t even quite sure who you might be, it is the strangest feeling. Almost like an empty shell walking around, pretending to be ok. I wish this were an article about my drastic turn around and flourishing in my own uniqueness and beauty. It is not. But it’s part of my journey and I’d like to share it with you.
In my case, the biggest thing I’ve learned about myself is from my ADHD diagnosis. Now, I know what you’re thinking. And stop it! Take everything you think you know about ADHD and throw it in the trash. It is useless. There is such a huge misconception about what ADHD is and all that comes with it, that there is no way for you to be there for someone who has it when they are struggling.
So, let’s learn a little about it…
Did you know that an ADHD brain has PHYSICAL differences compared to a “normal” brain? Like our brains are actually made different. That’s why it’s classified as a mental disorder. (I know, you already thought I was crazy…you’re not wrong.)
Every ADHD brain is different but we all suffer from a lot of the same things. I love making lists but I am bad at organizing them so, we’ll give this a try in an effort to make it simple.
- I get easily overwhelmed. When faced with a messy house, I look at the piles of laundry, loads of dirty dishes and toys scattered across the house and my mind as a little mini panic attack and quickly decides to abort mission and spend the rest of the day on the couch on TikTok. Don’t worry, I spend the whole time riddled with guilt about all the things I need to get done and just can’t get started.
- We have this pretty cool thing called “hyper focus”. It honestly feels like somewhat of a super power. (We’ll at that to the “Pro” column.) There are times where I get started on something, let’s say the dirty kitchen. I get so laser focused on that one room, that I obsess over it. Instead of simply washing the dishes and wiping down the counters, I find myself emptying the refrigerator to deep clean or pulling everything out of the pantry and deciding to paint it. All this time, the rest of the disaster-of-a-house is being woefully neglected. So, don’t make an unplanned visit without expecting a messy house. However, if you go look at my bathroom, it’s spotless.
- Time-blindness. is basically being unaware of the passing of time. And for me, it’s as real as being color blind. I have no idea how long a task will take me to complete. Even things I have been doing my whole life. Showers, cooking dinner, getting the kids ready to go (truthfully, as parents, can’t we always blame the kids for not getting ready on time?) I can lay out clothes and backpacks, set my alarm and have my morning planned but still somehow, get in the car 10 minutes later than I planned because I thought it wouldn’t take more than 2-3 minutes to get the kids shoes on, compile our belongings and get in the car. It doesn’t mean I want to be late everywhere I go and it doesn’t mean I don’t value your time. It really is always with the best intentions.
(Side note: I actually have a couple of alarms on my phone to remind me to go pick up Lucas from school because I have no idea what time it is at any given minute or the fact that I’ve been in TJ Maxx for 3 hours.)
4. Focus. Focus. Focus. I actually zoned out having to type that word 3 times. I can be having a conversation with you, fully intent on soaking up your every word. I’m genuinely curious and interested in what you’re talking about. But you say something, let’s say about your breakfast. And my brain has left the building! And here’s how that internal conversation may go…
“Ooo breakfast. I had a pop tart for breakfast, not my favorite but I was super hungry. Like right now. What am I going to have for lunch? Pal’s, obviously. OMG, do I have enough time before I go home. Can’t wait to see the geese. They’re so cute…but why don’t they get fat from all the fries people feed them while they’re sitting in their cars? That reminds me of this meme I saw on Facebook of “What if these animals were obese?”. Did I send that to my brother? He would think that’s hilarious. He’s probably at school, though so I shouldn’t be bothering him. School. What time is it again? How much time do I have before I have to pick up Lucas? Ok, good on time. Maybe I have time for a quick Target run. We need Coke and toilet paper. Is the toilet paper shortage over? Gosh, I need to clean the bathroom when I get home. And do the laundry before everyone runs out of underwear. Did I leave a load in the washing machine? Hockey puck. Rattlesnake. Monkey, monkey. Underpants.” (Gilmore Girls reference. #ifyouknowyouknow)
Keep in mind, this is in a span of about a minute. At which point you say, “What do you think I should do?” Uh oh…busted.
5. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. A mouthful of words, I know. It’s fear of rejection, to put it simply. For me, it is a constant worry that I’ve said or done something to offend someone. Also, it’s overanalyzing every single interact I’ve ever had and wondering what the other person was thinking or feeling…mostly in regards to me. While it can seem somewhat self-centered, in reality, I’m constantly worried about everyone else. Most of the time, it is with little regard for myself. I can talk to you for 5 minutes and walk away analyzing your facial expressions, your tone, my own words.
“Did I sound stupid? I shouldn’t have said that.” “She seemed mad.” I even do it with close friends or family. I haven’t heard from someone in a while. My brain safely assumes that I have been cut out of their life because of a conversation we had in 2004 about vegetables. It feels like my brain is attacking me and all of the sudden, I am the worst version of myself. A loathsome human being that no one could possibly love. This can cause me to no-show to your birthday party or get together. I may cancel a play date or fake a sickness. To you, I’m flaky and unreliable. I look like I don’t care about anyone. Truthfully though, no one could think any lower of me than I do at that moment. So, why would I think you wanted me there in the first place?
Some little things it also includes….
- Lack of motivation – That goes back to some science-y stuff and lower levels of dopamine in our brains. But the fact is, it’s a battle.
- Forgetfulness – “Hi. My name is Dory. I suffer from short term memory loss.”
- Implusiveness – Running out to go get milk sometimes turns into picking up dry cleaning, a Target stop, Hobby Lobby for fall décor, a snack and swinging by Michael’s because you’ve decided to start a new hobby
- Hot temper – I plead the 5th on this one but yes…
- Trouble following through with tasks or projects –I tore down my dogs large outdoor pen and threw away their old dog houses to renovate our patio and build an awesome dog sanctuary … like 2 months ago. They are now currently living mostly indoors/on my back porch.
Coming to terms with who you are and who God made you to be is a process. I tell my kids how awesome they are and how their differences make them super special. But sometimes, practicing what you preach is hard. I fight with feeling like a failure every day. But while I am dealing with my ADHD related struggles, I am learning so much about myself and, in turn, I am finding ways to cope with or get around some of my most difficult issues. I am learning to laugh at myself and my eccentricities. Lucky for me, my mother also has ADHD and we laugh at ourselves daily.
The take away is: Learn to love yourself. Learn to love your flaws and quirks. God made only one of you. He made you special and different and incredibly unique. Own it. Be who you are and be kind. People will love you for being yourself. And if they don’t, they don’t deserve you.
Life As We Know It 