Letter From a Tired Mom

It’s 1 o’clock in the morning and here I am, awake. I should have been asleep hours ago. But instead, I sit here alone in the tub. No, there isn’t anything so interesting to stay up for. No, I haven’t been so busy that I had to stay up late. But I am alone. Finally. Not only am I alone but it is quiet. I can hear myself think. It’s kind of nice sometimes (other times thinking to much gets me into trouble). I should be in bed, resting up for what tomorrow holds. But I don’t stand up – I don’t get out. I sit. Thinking – or not thinking. Just sitting. Because I know the moment I get in the bed, the day is over. Which is good because today was hard. Shouldn’t I be looking forward to bedtime? Dreaming of it all day. But I constantly find myself up till early in the morning because I can’t bear to let the day go. Because I know tomorrow could be as hard as – or harder – than today. I know tomorrow will come and I’ll wake up to those two happy, smiling faces that I love. But what also awaits me are tantrums and messes, dirty diapers, lessons in sharing and snotty noses. The hustle and bustle of the day that makes it almost impossible to sit back and enjoy the moment.

“It goes by so fast. Don’t blink.”

“I wish mine were that young again.”

“One day you will miss this.”

Those words are heard so often and are so meaningfully passed along. Just like everyone who told you to enjoy being young before you became an adult. You didn’t listen, did you? Because you just knew if you could get through this, freedom awaited you. Unfortunately, this is the same mindset of every mother of young children. “If I can just get through today…this week…this year.” Pretty soon, your babies are all grown up and you are saying those same things to someone else. We know this, yet it seems as though we can do nothing to fix it.

That’s because this stage of life is hard. For me, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am constantly needed. “Pick me up, put me down, feed me, hold me.” I must stay constantly busy because if I waste too much time, I am left with two weeks of laundry, an empty pantry and dirty floors.

This stage is hard. Because you start every day with a to-do list a mile long and no way of ever getting it done. Messes happen, accidents happen and the unexpected always manages to throw your life into chaos – every day. Things are so hard sometimes that I miss my youth – and I’m only 27. Some days, I feel like an old, run down housewife with bags under my eyes, messy hair and the same clothes I’ve worn for days. Sometimes I wonder if I should have waited a little longer to let go of my much-anticipated adult freedom. I long for the days of being alone after work or sleeping until noon. I long for trips to the grocery store or even clothes shopping where I had no schedule to keep or toddlers to chase. Now, simple errands are exhausting.

Then, there are those moments – some days they are scarce – where you remember a post you read or something someone said and you get to stop. Stop and think about what’s actually going on in your life.

I am a mom. I have been given the greatest honor to raise my two beautiful children. To share in their memories and, if even for a little while, be their favorite person. I remember that post that said “you will never be this loved and needed again”. I have been run ragged today. I am tired but still have things to do before I can even consider bed.  And as I tuck my son into bed for the 5th time and he asks me to “lay down please”, instead of telling him “goodnight” and closing the door, I do what he asked. I lay there and hold him and think about how lucky I am to know such a beautiful person. He wraps his arm around my neck and I remember that I will never be this loved again.

And some nights, I let my daughter cry a little to put herself to sleep. But sometimes, I pick her up and rock her. Because I can’t remember the last time I rocked my son. Because someone once told me “one day you will pick them, put them down and never pick them up again.”

And those are the short moments that get me through the long days. And although tomorrow, my attitude may be different and I may forget those precious moments amid my chaos, they are still there. My life is not perfect. Sometimes, I don’t handle things well. Sometimes I don’t control my temper – I yell (or cry). Some days I don’t feel like getting up to face the day. And some days, I don’t have a single moment of clarity or calm reflection. But sometimes … I DO.

And for me, those moments are worth every hard thing I face. Every difficult situation or exhausting day. Those moments, I believe, are the glue that holds us moms together. We must remember that God made us for this. And again, this is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But if it weren’t for this, I would never have known how strong I can be. There’s a tingle of joy in me to know that God thinks I can handle this. How amazing to know that He has that much faith in me. After all, He made me this way.

So, I will go to sleep. I will sleep as long as my children will allow. Then, I will get up and start a new day. I will sing and dance and play with my children – while I still can.

I am not a perfect mom and I judge myself against how I see others. I know you do too. Just remember, every mom has felt the way you do right now. It’s a comfort to know that I’m not the only one that sneaks into the closet to eat her candy bar in peace. I hope you find comfort in knowing that we all go through it. And it ok if sometimes you don’t like this motherhood thing all that much because sometimes … you DO.

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How to Build a Versatile Wardrobe Part 1: The Purge

All That Glitters

buildawardrobe

Do your clothes make you look like you belong in a different era? Do they fall off because they are too big or are they uncomfortable because they are too tight? Do you feel like you are in a fashion rut? Have you not been shopping in years? Or do your shopping trips yield little results? Does shopping make you feel overwhelmed? If you answered yes to any of these questions, this series is for you!

This is the first installment of my “How to Build a Versatile Wardrobe” series! In this post, I’m going to walk you through a very important part of creating a great, new wardrobe: purging. Getting rid of some of your old pieces is essential to creating a new wardrobe but it can sometimes be easier said than done. For some reason, we can get really emotionally attached to clothes or we hope that someday…

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White Noise

caesura rain

I found another piece of Creative Nonfiction I wrote several years ago. This is called “White Noise.” Hope you enjoy!

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White Noise

“That’s a train.”

“Oh,” I say, jolted. “I know.”

The rumble of the train’s wheels spinning against the tracks. The screech of metal against metal. The drawn out whistle.

The noise hadn’t registered with me.

 *****

I once lived in Sanford, NC.  We moved there when I was loud and fearless. My role model was Pippi Longstocking. My friends and I thought we ruled the church where my dad was the pastor. We wrote “Happy 40th Birthday, Pastor Todd!” on every blackboard in every Sunday school classroom. Sarah drew tombstones labeled “RIP.”

We didn’t live by the train tracks till I was twelve. That was when the fabric of life as I knew it had unraveled.  My father, the pastor, became a landscaper. Our belongings went into…

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Liebster Award! Discovering new blogs!

I am incredibly honored and grateful to be nominated for the Liebster Award by dannigirl2013. It is a great feeling to know people are actually reading and enjoying my blog! This is actually the first I’ve heard of this award and can’t wait to see what the nomination does for my blog. This great award is all about introducing the world to new bloggers and reaching a wider audience with their voices. So, here are the rules:

  • When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer 11 questions from the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (make sure you tell them you nominated them!) and ask them 11 questions.
  • You are not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated you!
  • Make sure the blogs you chose have 200 or LESS followers

Ok, let’s get right down to it. Here are my 11 random facts about me!

  1. I was homeschooled from 4th grade until I graduated in 2008. I may have thought I hated it but looking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way and I feel that I am better for having been through it. Plus, I did have a pretty awesome teacher!
  2. I have been married for 2 1/2 years to a man I met when I was 5 and I couldn’t be happier!
  3. I am currently enrolled in a program to become a veterinary technician.
  4. I love singing in the shower…and the car…and the kitchen. Pretty much anywhere void of the public.
  5. Is that “gullible” written on the ceiling? I will honestly believe anything said to me with a straight face.
  6. My license plate has said “fdlchk” (fiddlechick) since I was 16.
  7. In the summer, you can find me anywhere the sun touches. I love getting a good tan.
  8. You know those random items you find at store cash registers, last-minute buys?? Those are my worst enemy! It’s like they’re screaming “Buy me!!”
  9. I love painting my nails but I’m not very good at it.
  10. I could eat pizza for every meal but I won’t eat vegetables.
  11. I have the best parents in the world. Sorry if you thought you did but it’s time for everyone to know the truth.

Ok, now 11 more from dannigirl2013:

1. If you were graded on life, in what everyday activity would you receive a F?

Walking…I’m one clumsy girl.

2. Fill in the blank: “When I am sick all I want is _____________.”

Toast. When I’m home sick, I can take down half a loaf of bread in one day.

3. If you could make grass any color, what color would grass be?

Blue because blue grass is the best! 🙂

4. What is your favorite season of the year and why.

Definitely summer. Of course, as a child, it meant no school, no worries…and that feeling has seemed to carry over into adulthood. Even though I still have to work and I have other responsibilities, there’s still something about it that makes me feel like a kid again.

5. What was your favorite childhood cartoon?

I could never pick just one but I loved Tiny Toons and Darkwing Duck!

6. If you could make money doing anything in the world what would it be and why?

First instinct…shopping! Duh! But I love horse and dog training.

7. What celebrity or public figure annoys you the most and why?

Kanye West. He is a punk and incredibly struck on himself. I cannot forgive him for what he did to Taylor Swift. Many people may not like her but in the music industry, there should be a sense of respect among artists. That was just unacceptable.

8. What TV game show would you be most likely to win?

The mole. I loved that show!!

9. Fill in the blank: “I love the smell of __________.”

Ok, another weird fact. I love the smell of bleach. I mean, not excessively, of course, but I like that clean smell when I’m doing laundry or cleaning the house.

10. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Ballerina…veterinarian…singer…teacher…I was a very indecisive child.

11. What is your favorite animal at the zoo?

Oh, the elephants are the best! They’re just so cool and humongous! Love them!

Alright nominee’s, here are your questions:

  1. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
  2. Which T.V. series would you love to be on?
  3. What is your favorite color and why?
  4. Who do you admire the most?
  5. You become a millionaire tomorrow. What do you do with your money first?
  6. Who is your favorite artist/band?
  7. What was the best moment of your life?
  8. What is your favorite childhood movie?
  9. If you could get rid of one season of the year, which would it be and why>;;
  10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
  11. If you could pick your superpower, what would it be?

Alrighty…the nominees are:

Lydia Joy Freeman

Tulle & Trinkets

Intel News

Lipstick and Stilletos

Polish Herself

Whitney Loves Makeup

Lonesome Road Review

Burned With Passion

Shuttertron

Altered And Alive

Kasey Kesner

I am so appreciative of the nomination and thankful for my readers and followers! Blog on!